Why You’re Attracted to Men Who Can’t Choose You (And How to Break the Pattern)

You want your fairytale romance but your love stories seem to be more like a horror movie, filled with ghosts, jump scares, plot twists and men who disappear before the climax.

The movie starts strong, boy meets girl, there’s a spark, he’s romantic, charming, says all the right things and texts back fast. You feel chosen. Special. Safe. And you start to think, maybe this is it, maybe I’ve finally found my person, but then the smoke clears, the credits roll, and your nervous system realises this isn’t a fairytale... it’s another anxious cliffhanger, and once again, your prince turns out to be a very well-disguised frog.

The vibe shifts and you feel it, but you hold on, because the opening scene was so good and you just know it has potential.

And just like that your hooked.

But spoiler alert: That man was never a prince.

He didn’t change, your perception did. You cast him in the role of the prince before the auditions even ended. The chemistry, the compliments, the shared values it felt like destiny, but you wrote the whole story in your head based on a handful of charming moments and a killer smile. Every red flag got edited out, you made excuses for the inconsistent communication and romanticised every flaw like it was depth. His emotional unavailability became a wounded soul. His fear of commitment was just because he'd been through a lot, and suddenly you weren’t just dating, you were healing him, fixing him, proving you were safe and special, the one who could finally crack his mysterious, misunderstood heart.

You weren’t falling in love with him, you were falling in love with the version of him you created. The man you wished he was, not the one he actually showed up as.

Let’s Talk Chemistry (And Why Chaos is Your Kink)

Emotional unavailability can feel like a drug, the hot-and-cold dynamic lights up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine, so when someone gives you affection inconsistently your brain releases dopamine in unpredictable bursts. This creates a powerful psychological loop called intermittent reinforcement, and this is exactly the same reason people get addicted to gambling.

When intermittent reinforcement shows up in romantic relationships, it’s not the person you get addicted to, it’s the possibility of getting a reward. You’re hooked on the maybe, maybe he’ll reply, maybe this time he’ll show up, maybe if you say the right thing, he’ll finally choose you.

When affection, attention, or validation are given inconsistently, especially after periods of withdrawal, it creates emotional tension and anticipation, which spikes dopamine in your brain’s reward system, and while no one is totally immune to this cycle, it hits harder for people with anxious attachment styles, those who are hypersensitive to signs of abandonment and deeply wired to re-establish connection. For them, unpredictability gets coded as importance. Chaos becomes proof of love, even when a relationship is unsafe or one-sided, the craving for closeness overrides logic.

Same Script, Different Cast

If you’re anxiously attached, you’re not choosing the wrong men by accident, and you’re not just unlucky in love. You’re wired to be drawn to these kinds of people because, on a nervous system level, they feel familiar.

It’s not your fault, most of this programming took place before you were even old enough to question it, but now you do know, you have a choice to make; keep replaying the same story or do the work to rewrite it, on your terms.

Your earliest relationships become the blueprint for the ones you form as an adult. If love, in your younger years, was inconsistent, conditional, or emotionally unavailable, your nervous system learns that this is what love feels like, unpredictable, unstable, and earned through effort, so even when it hurts, you stay, because there’s still that quiet hope that if you can earn that love, you'll finally feel good enough.

Now imagine for a second that it’s not you who’s behind this desire for validation.

It’s your inner child, the younger version of you that learned early on that love came with conditions. That being chosen meant constantly proving you were worth it.

And now, all these years later, you’re still putting that little girl into emotional battles she can’t possibly win, just to collect enough proof that she’s lovable.

So let me ask you, would you let a child fight that hard to be seen? Would you sit back and watch her overextend, overgive, and ache for scraps of affection? Or would you scoop her up, hold her close, and remind her just how loveable she is... exactly as she is.

Because that’s what you need to do for yourself to overcome your anxious attachment, show up as the adult you are today to protect the part of you that’s been trying so hard to feel loved for so long.

Be Your Own Damn Knight in Shining Armour

Nobody is coming to save you babe, and honestly they shouldn’t have to.

Your attachment wounds aren’t your fault but healing them is your job. It's not fair (or sustainable) to hand your partner the emotional broom and expect them to tidy up your mess.

Yes, it’s true that security can be contagious, with research consistently showing that securely attached partners can support emotional growth and even help to reduce anxiety in those with insecure attachment styles, but this only really works longterm when the anxious partner is willing to work on themselves first.

If you let your anxious attachment go unchecked, and constantly seek reassurance, spiral at small silences, or test their love to soothe your inner panic, a securely attached partner won’t stick around. Not because you’re too much, but because they’re emotionally regulated, they honour their peace, and they love themselves enough to walk away from what's not serving them.

If you’re anxiously attached, you might not even be attracted to a secure partner at first, they can feel boring, predictable or too available, and because your nervous system craves the thrill of emotional highs and lows, stability might feel unfamiliar or even suspicious.

But secure–secure partnerships are the sweet spot to relationship success. Statistically the most stable and fulfilling of all attachment pairings, with research showing that these power couples experience higher relationship satisfaction, healthier conflict resolution, and significantly lower rates of breakup compared to anxious–avoidant or anxious–anxious dynamics.

So rather than searching for someone to rescue you, focus on becoming more securely attached yourself, and learn how to recognise that same emotional security in others.

Anxious attachment isn’t a life sentence, your brain is plastic and your nervous system is adaptable and you don’t need to wait to be chosen by someone to feel secure, you can start choosing yourself, right now.

Here's how

1. Rewire Your Self-Concept

Secure attachment is built on the belief that you are worthy of love.

Your self-concept is the core story you hold about who you are and what you deserve. If your subconscious identity is rooted in beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” or “Love has to be earned,” your brain and nervous system will subconsciously seek out situations that confirm these beliefs, and this shapes every romantic choice you make.

This happens through a process called confirmation bias, where your brain looks for evidence that reinforces your current beliefs, and neural pruning, which sees your brain strengthen the pathways you use most often. So, if your inner narrative is anxious, needy, or unworthy, your attachment system stays in overdrive, and safe love feels unfamiliar or boring.

To become securely attached, you have to become someone who believes they are safe to love, worthy of being chosen, and allowed to relax in a relationship, and to do this you need to understand and recode your self-concept.

Use this 4-step Self-Concept Rewrite Method:

1. Identify the Core Narrative - What do you believe makes you hard to love?

2. Find the Origin Story - Trace it back. Where did you first learn that belief? A parent’s reaction? A breakup? A childhood experience?

3. Choose a New Core Identity - If you felt like you were enough how would you act differently in relationships?

4. Reinforce Daily with Mirror Work - Speak kind, affirming words to yourself while looking into your own eyes, to activate both visual and auditory pathways in your brain. Add in physical touch (like placing a hand on your heart) and you stimulate your vagus nerve, sending a powerful “we’re safe” message to your nervous system.

   This creates an embodied emotional experience that your brain can start to trust.

   
   

Consistent practice over 6–8 weeks creates noticeable internal shifts and research on self-affirmation and neuroplasticity shows daily repetition and emotional engagement can literally rewire your brain’s pathways of self-perception.

2. Learn to Co-Regulate… Then Self-Regulate

Co-regulation is a real and essential part of early emotional development. It refers to the way a child's nervous system learns to manage stress and emotions by interacting with the nervous system of their caregiver. At birth, the human nervous system is not fully developed and infants cannot regulate emotions on their own so rely on external regulation (through eye contact, voice tone, physical comfort etc.) to calm and organise their internal state.

This syncing process between child and caregiver lays the foundation for emotional regulation later in life. When it’s consistent and safe, it builds secure attachment. When it’s inconsistent or absent, it can lead to anxious or avoidant attachment styles, where the nervous system remains dysregulated or overly dependent on others for emotional stability.

This isn’t about blame, most of our caregivers were doing the best they could with what they had, often carrying their own unhealed attachment wounds. Maybe you had a safe home, parents who showed up, who did their absolute best, and still, something feels off.

Even with the deepest love and best intentions, if your caregivers didn’t know how to process their own emotions or model secure connection, they can still pass on patterns of dysregulation. Unhealed doesn’t mean unloved. It just means human and becoming aware of that is powerful, because it means you can break the cycle not with blame, but with compassion and conscious choice. You're not healing because your parents failed you. You're healing because they couldn't, and you know can.

It ran in the family, until it ran into you!

Don’t wait for a romantic partner to practice co-regulation, this can happen with anyone who feels calm, consistent, and emotionally available. A coach, a trusted friend, anyone who feels safe.

• When you are next feeling dysregualted reach out, not after the event but during, speak to someone you trust and explain how you feel.

• Ask for specific reassurance. Anxious minds like clarity so whatever it is that your feeling worried about ask for specific validation such as "I'm feeling really anxious, can you remind me everything is ok"

Yes, it might feel deeply uncomfortable at first and your mind might expect the worst, but if you choose safe, emotionally available people, and repeat this practice, something powerful starts to happen: your brain begins to believe the reassurance. The more often your fears are met with care, instead of criticism, the more your nervous system rewires to expect.

Then, Practice Self-Regulation

Once you know what regulation feels like, you can start creating it within yourself

Next time you feel a wobble pick one of the following to ground you

• Orienting Response: Anchor back into the present moment, look around and name 5 things you can see, 3 you can hear, 1 you can touch.

• Vagus Nerve Stimulation: Your nervous system loves it when you hum or sing, even if not a note is in tune. Cold water splashes or long exhalations such us making that “haaa” sound like you're sighing dramatically will also quickly calm you down.

• Soothing Touch & Self-Talk: Put your hand on your heart and tell yourself, out loud, “I’m okay.” It might seem simple, even silly, but your brain does listen to you, and when your voice becomes a source of reassurance instead of criticism, your nervous system starts to believe you.

• Movement: Try gettig up shaking it out, stretching, dancing to move the emotion through your body so it doesn’t get stuck.

  
  

With consistent co and self-regulation practice for around 5–10 minutes a day, most people begin to feel a shift in emotional stability within 2–4 weeks. The nervous system is adaptive and the emotions it is sending you are its way of trying to communicate a need with you, once it knows your listening it will stop trying so hard to get your attention.

3. Normalise Healthy Love

When someone treats you kindly, shows up consistently, and doesn’t trigger anxiety, it can feel dull and even suspicious. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to crave drama, it means your mirror neurons (the ones that learn by example) haven’t seen enough of the good stuff yet.

When you’ve spent years craving unpredictable love, your brain associates adrenaline with affection, and as a result, stable, consistent relationships can feel boring, or like something is missing, and something is, it’s the chaos and its not needed.

To teach your system what love really is spend time around securely attached people. Not just in a romantic capacity but friends, coaches, colleagues, people who show up, people who text back, follow through, and apologise when they mess up.

This works because of a process called emotional contagion and behavioural mirroring, where your brain literally mimics the emotions, habits, and communication patterns of those closest to you. So choose your friends wisely.

Let your nervous system feel the difference. When someone does something small but consistent like checking in on you, being clear with how they feel, or remembering your coffee order, pause, and take notice, note that this is what safe feels and you will start to create new wiring.

Stay in the room when it feels slow. When you get that urge to self-sabotage, pick a fight, or bolt when things feel calm, remind yourself that it is your old programming searching for its fix of drama and stay anyway.

Neuroplasticity and emotional exposure are a dream duo. Your brain is always learning and the more often it experiences safety, consistency, and connection the more it starts to crave those things.

4. Use Secure Communication

Anxious people hint, hope, explode and avoid whereas secure people are not afraid to seek clarity where things are unclear.

If speaking up used to risk rejection, being ignored or blamed, it makes sense that your brain trys to stop you from repeating that pattern, if you’re anxiously attached communication can feel like walking a tightrope, say too much and you’ll push them away. Say too little and they’ll disappear anyway. So instead of speaking your truth, you hint, overthink, or simply put up with the disrespect.

Secure people communicate their needs clearly, kindly, and directly and if your serious about becoming secure, this is a skill you should start practicing immediately. Yes, immediatley, even if it feels unnatural or scary at first.

This open style of communication activates the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, empathy, and executive function. The more you use it, the more your brain rewires itself away from fear-based reactions and toward connection and clarity.

So, before you speak, pause and ask yourself:

• What am I feeling?

• What do I need?

• What do I expect?

Then say it clealy and kindly, without hinting, testing, or spiralling into overexplaining or silence.

Use “I” statements and explain how you feel about what happened, rather than telling the other person what they did wrong.

Set boundaries without blame by explaining what you need and why, rather than telling the other person what to do.

Regulate before you react, sending a mid-spiral text rarely ends well. Instead, write it out but don’t send it yet. Pause. Breathe and let your nervous system settle.Then re-group and respond calmly, communicate your needs and dont play games.

Speaking of games — stop trying to mind-read.

You might be intuitive, but mind-reading isn’t a relationship skill. It’s a hypervigilant trauma response. Often, it develops in childhood environments where expressing needs led to rejection, punishment, emotional withdrawal, or being shamed. So instead of asking directly, your nervous system adapted to scan for emotional cues and danger, trying to predict others' moods or reactions in order to stay safe.

Over time, this can become automatic, so much so that you don’t even realise you’re doing it, but here’s the thing if your guessing what the other person thinks you may as well be having a conversation with yourself.

You don’t need to predict how someone feels. You just need to ask, and trust that you can handle whatever the answer is.

Mini Self Coaching Prompt: time you’re upset or unsure, write the message you want to send. Take a minute to calm down, re-read it and then rewrite it how you think a securely attached person would.

Research and clinical evidence suggest that with consistent practice many people begin to notice improvements in self-expression within 3–6 weeks.

5. Repeat, Repair, Repeat

Becoming securely attached isn’t about never getting triggered again, it’s about knowing what to do when you are without burning the whole relationship down.

You’ll still get triggered, you’ll still have moments where you overthink a text or panic when plans change, but the work isn’t in avoiding those moments it’s in how you respond and repair afterward.

• Secure people mess up but they own it.

Here’s how to do the same:

• Pause and name what triggered you and why

• Breathe. Move. Soothe. Give your body the message that you are not in danger.

• Repair Acknowlegde your reaction with compassion, notice emotion was behind it and communicate your 'why' clearly.

• Celebrate every repair. Every time you calm your nervous system, name a pattern, or communicate without losing your head, you’re building new neural pathways.

Secure attachment isn’t built on perfection, it’s built on safety after rupture. Each time you regulate, reflect, and repair, your nervous system learns that connection doesn’t have to be fragile, and conflict doesn’t mean collapse.

Final Thoughts

If you’re still reading, you should be proud. This isn’t surface level stuff. This is deep, emotional rewiring work. It’s brave and it’s not for the faint-hearted.

Secure attachment isn’t something you magically create overnight. It’s something you practice into being.

By learning to regulate your nervous system, rewrite old stories, communicate with clarity, and repair with grace, you teach your brain, and your heart that love doesn’t have to be earned, chased, or feared.

Start showing up as the version of you who is worthy of healthy, stable, soul-deep love.

Because she’s already in there, and the more you choose her, the less you’ll settle for people who won’t.

Mini Integration Task

Pick one of the tools in this blog, and practice it consistently and watch what happens, not just in your love life, but in your sense of self.

You’ve got this!